BULL Summis Ornus Dies

A obsequium per suus plurimus altus excellentia Shilohman Cardinal of Templum of SC, parumper magis efficax speculatio of a sanctus quod consecro dies. Quod pro propitius suffragium of Suus Holiness SC Prothoplastus.

(A submission by his most high excellency Shilohman, Cardinal of the Church of the SC, for a more efficacious observance of a holy and consecrated day. And for the gracious approval of His Holiness, SC the First.)

SC the First: BULL Summis Ornus Dies, February 26th, 2006 Bullarium Romanum (Taurinensis editio), sub, anno 2006. SC I, bishop, servant of the servants of God, Ad futuram rei memoriam.

Desiring with supreme ardor, as pastoral solicitude requires, that the faith in our days everywhere grow and flourish as much as possible, and that all heretical depravity be put far from the territories of the faithful, we freely declare and anew decree this by which our pious desire may be fulfilled, that February 24, 2006 shall be set aside as a church wide day of mourning in perpetuam. It shall henceforth be known as and referred to as "Ash Day." Every February 24 the faithful will symbolically pack a box with personal belongings, label it, tape it up, and carry it out to the driveway where it will sit forlornly throughout the daylight hours. All computers will be unplugged and left unused until at least 6:00 in the evening. Only fast food will be consumed.

A special indulgence will be offered to the faithful who go so far as to drive around in their cars all day with a pack of cigarettes on the dashboard listening to Graham's sacred CD and looking homeless. (Remember, if they rejected your leader, they will also reject you, for a follower is no better than his leader. We are all in this together.)

Let no man, therefore, dare to infringe this page of our declaration, extension, grant, and mandate, or with rich hardihood to contradict it. If any presume this, let him know that he incurs the wrath of almighty God and of the blessed apostles John and Mark.

Given in Fullerton, at Penitus Templum in the year of Our Lord's incarnation 2006, on the nones of February, in the first year of our pontificate.

Poems From The Shredder

Peter's Ashtray is pleased to present three rescued poems written by Peter S. Mooney. Through the tireless efforts of our dedicated staff, a combined team of manuscript experts and forensic specialists, we have restored these priceless works from shredded fragments of paper. Special thanks to Carmine Buttefuco of Buttefuco & Buttefuco Investigations, LLC for combing through the Mooney family trash in Pacific Palisades, CA.

(We can only hope that the Bekins Moving Co. mislabeled the carton containing the shredder and it will end up in Rio Linda-Yakimaniac)

Untitled

EXHAUSTION, LOVE, AND SOUL
NEVER HAVE A BROTHER

ANGER IS A COLD SPONSOR
FAITH IS A COLD DRIVER

WHY DOES THE GARAGE TALK?
WHY DOES THE GARAGE STOP?
GOLLY, CAREER!

WHERE IS THE DUSTY ROAD?
WHERE IS THE HOT CITY?
SIDEWALKS GROW LIKE DRY CRACKS

THE CIGARETTE GLOWS
THE CIGARETTE GLOWS

OH, LOVE!
DOLLARS TALK LIKE GRIMY FINGERS

FAITH, FAITH, AND EXHAUSTION
EAT LOUDLY LIKE A FAST WORKER
FULLERTON WAITS LIKE A HOT DISH

Peter S. Mooney – 2006
Catalogue #21-PSM06-P11

---

Untitled

The Zombies
are in the Czech Republic.

I salute them like pills.
You must show you understand
Once.

By many things, many ways
I am more awake through the imagery.

So funny.

Peter S. Mooney – 2005
Catalogue #21-PSM05-P47

---

Title: Behind These Eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be the ad man
To be the ad man
Behind these eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be fated
To self-hatred
For telling all those lies

But my copy
Is not as worthless
As my competitor’s seem to be

I have clients, always waiting
My calendar is booked
I’m never free

No one knows what it's like
To have this dilemma
Like I do
And I sure do!

No one knows what it's like
To be the ad man
To be the ad man
Behind these eyes

Peter S. Mooney – 2002
Catalogue #21-PSM02-P15

RIAA Calling

I have had several requests for the music disc sent to me by my son. Realizing that this could be a legal liability for Peter’s Ashtray, I immediately ran to the local Sam Goody store and spent $89.95 plus tax to cover myself in case the music industry Gestapo comes calling. Now that I’m covered I can reveal the contents on the disc for everyone’s enjoyment. To obtain your own copy call Graham somewhere in the frigid Midwest.

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm
“Bloc Party is nothing if not right on time. These four South London blokes seamlessly fuse all that's momentarily cool, merging the choppy post-punk licks of Interpol, the dance-friendly jangle of Franz Ferdinand, and even a touch of Saddle Creek-style political banter.” Peter Gaston, Spin.com

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm Remixes
“Various remixes collected by Graham from the club scene in Ibiza.” Yakimaniac

Fall Out Boy - From Under The Cork Tree
“Since From Under the Cork Tree, their hook-heavy third album, crashed the Billboard Top 10 the week of its release in May, the quartet have become the go-to act for an emerging tweener generation obsessed with Green Day and down with Kanye, kids who expect a punk band to come with both an attitude and a clothing line.” Andy Greenwald, Spin.com

Gorillaz - Demon Days
“While the maestros behind Gorillaz spend too much time acting like monkeys, the guise gives Damon Albarn and new addition Danger Mouse the leeway to produce a vivid, spastic concept album about the last primates to survive the apocalypse. From the glimmer funk of "DARE" to the power riff of "O Green World," Demon Days is a sinister, slinky folk-disco-hip-hop-Afro-pop-punk expedition through badly damaged terrain -- the kind of postapocalyptic landscape where you might wake up to discover the Statue of Liberty at your feet.” Spin.com

Madonna - Confessions On A Dance Floor
“Almost eligible for an AARP membership, Madonna forges relentlessly ahead with her disco-cum-techno sound for the dance hall mavens in all of us. Notable is the CD artwork depicting Madonna in various stretching routines that would make even the likes of Jane Fonda jealous.” Yakimaniac

The Faint - Wet From Birth
“Mining the Eighties for synthy dance beats to fuse with darker alternative rock leanings seems so natural this year that it's easy to forget just how alien the Faint sounded when they did just that with Blank-Wave Arcade five years ago. Even Danse Macabre, released in 2001, raced ahead of the chic curve that exploded this year with albums by the Killers, Franz Ferdinand and others. But the Faint's new set, Wet From Birth will enter this world to find that listeners have finally caught up with the Omaha band.” Andrew Dansby, Rollingstone.com

An Open Letter to the Smoking Christian

February 15, 2006

Dear Smoking Christian,

It was Shakespeare that said, "Brevity is the soul of wit." In modern literary-challenged America this has first been changed to irony, then sarcasm and finally just plain edginess. That is to say, pushing to the edge or limits of acceptability.

It would be a shame if any of our organizations (Peter’s Ashtray, The Peter S. Mooney Museum of Rescued Literature and The Smoking Christian Fan Club) were to offend you by crossing this limit. If that were to occur, there would be great concern and sadness on our part of course. But how would we know? This is indeed a problem.

In order to avoid this whole messy business, (this is where you come in), we feel it would be entirely appropriate for you to call us up on the phone and let us know of your displeasure. Thus notified, we would proceed immediately to rectify the situation by removing all most some offending content.

Knowing that you are a kind and gentle person and since we have experienced none of the dreaded “acrimooney,” we would even accept an email notification. This would suit us fine and would lead to the afore-mentioned rectifications.

With that said please do not construe anything in this letter as precluding us from posting pretty much anything we want according the “Fair Use” doctrine of the US Copyright Act. After all, we are in the business of saving you from yourself by rescuing your discarded posts from the ash heap of history and if challenged will defend ourselves using every remedy under the law.

We sincerely hope this clears up any misunderstandings between us.

With highest regards,
The Yakimaniacs
Co-Directors
PSMMRL

Smashing Young Man

In our quest to provide the very best content for adoring fans of The Smoking Christian, we present another in a series of pictures of the SC as a young man. This picture reminds us of a song lyric which we share below.

Smashing Young Man
By Collective Soul

Beggar's description
Of what I've been missing
Exploit your position
Don't think I didn't listen
Hey I hope you're feeling
A little better now

Success is so tragic
Pain is your gadget
Your tongue's just lashing
Just bitching by habit
Hey I hope you're feeling
A little purer now
Hey I hope you're feeling
Securer now

Help me I plea
I don't understand
Your ways and your means
You smashing young man
Help me to see
The good you have planned
You're wearing me thin
You smashing young man

You preach synthetic-like
Peace is an oversight
It's nothing to ignite
Your self-lit spotlight
Hey I hope you're feeling
A little special now
Hey I want to tell you
I think you're special now

I don't recall asking for guidance
I don't recall wanting to
I don't recall bowing before you
But I'm so impressed
With the kindness in your attitude

Help me I plea
I don't understand
Your ways and your means
You smashing young man
Help me to see
The good you have planned
You're wearing me thin
You smashing young man

This lyric is from the group's 1995 self-titled CD and can be heard in an audio sample at http://music.yahoo.com/track/1004673

Photograph:
Peter S. Mooney – circa 1978
Catalogue #2-PSM78-P02

Music Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Today I received a disc in the mail from my son. He is a junior at a prominent midWestern, wHolesomE, evAngelical, proTestant, christian cOllege Now. This disc contains over 80 songs of new music, most of it new to me. He knows how much I like alternative music and we had talked about it on the phone but I had forgotten about it. So it was a real treat to get the disc in the mail. A note was enclosed which let me know that most of the songs came from one of his friends who lives just down the hall.

This friend happens to be the son of the YB of the Smoking Christian. Now this in itself would be remarkable but near miraculous is the fact that the YB of the SC was my roommate and best friend at the same college nearly 30 years ago. Now this in itself is, as I said, near miraculous but clearly stupendous is the fact that the YB of the SC used to regularly turn me on to new music; really good music I might add. The kind of music that has stood the test of time. Groups like The Doors, Steely Dan, The Kinks, Procol Harem and artists like Eric Clapton, Peter Frampton and Gary Wright were on his list and were soon on mine as well.

I find it amazing that two college friends share music experiences in the same way their fathers did many years before. Certainly there was and is other cross-pollinating between these two families. Perhaps cars, clothes or careers were influenced. Maybe even the choice of spouses or the expression of faith. Who knows but maybe the Yakimaniac even has had some positive influence on the SC! Okay, well that was probably a stretch but I like to think that, at a minimum, some of the mud sticks to both walls.

Anyway, I don't know if Bloc Party, Fall Out Boy, Gorillaz and The Faint will stand the test of time but I sure do enjoy the collaboration. Many thanks guys and welcome back to the future!

The Elusive Smoking Christian Revealed

Peter's Ashtray is pleased to present pictures of the fabulous Peter S. Mooney! We have been getting many requests from fans asking, "Does he really exist?" "What does he look like?" "Have you actually seen him?"

Yes he really does exist but he can be quite shy. The picture above is from a sighting way back in 1978 at the wedding of his brother. It is a picture of the SC as a young and obviously handsome man in the prime of his life. Enjoy!

(We apologize for having to mask the faces of the rest of the wedding party. We pleaded with everyone to sign and return a model release but Peter was the only one who kindly complied so that we could share this picture with you, his loyal fans.)

Previously on the Smoking Christian

Many of you may be new to The Smoking Christian. Because the SC is capable of posting volumes of work in a given day, it would be difficult for anyone to catch up. In the interest of bringing you along more swiftly, we are providing a list of subjects most frequently discussed.

The number of times each word or topic is used by the SC is as follows:

Unemployed/Unemployment/Job	82
Advertising/Ad/Marketing	76
Cigarettes/Smoke	55
Garage	53
Insane/Insanity/Schizophrenic/Crazy	52
Drinking/Alcohol/Liquor/Beer	51
My lovely wife	34
My mother	34
Pee/Peeing/Urinate/Poop/Bathroom/Bladder	32
God	30
Depressed/Depression/Depressing	26
Fish	24
Bible	22
Pacific Palisades	21
Joy	12
Peace	6
Younger Brother	5
Nephew	5
Laughter	4
Smile	3
Contentment	0

Ode to Patti Jo

Peter S. Mooney – circa 1973
Catalogue #3-PSM73-L36

Patti Jo
She’s been living in her uptight world
I bet she never had a tan beach boy
I bet her mamma never told her why

I’m gonna try to get Patti Jo
She’s been living in her Midwest world
As long as anyone with hot blood can
And now she’s looking for a tan beach boy
That's what I am

And when she knows what
She wants from her time
And when she wakes up
And makes up her mind

She'll see I'm not so rough
Just because
I'm in love with Patti Jo


In the early 70’s PSM was on the rebound from a wrecked relationship when he visited Wheaton College, Wheaton, Illinois where his brother set him up on a date with a coed. What we know is sketchy but this new relationship ended before it began. So also the lyric is unfinished but it tells of the complex emotions, inner turmoil yet firm resolve, lost love and yearning passions of a young man in search of Midwestern sensibilities.

The story and context surrounding this piece is lost to history but it clearly illustrates Peter’s emerging gifts as a writer as well as a propensity for unrealized potential.

Top Ten Things I Did To Torment My Younger Brother Growing Up

We’re fortunate to have retrieved the following top ten list, which made an all too brief appearance on the Smoking Christian:

10. Told him Tammy Faye was crying uncontrollably because HE was going to hell.

9. Took him and his little friends to Disneyland once a month, but only let them ride “It’s A Small World” over and over and over again.

8. Forced him to remove all the brown M & Ms before bringing me my breakfast.

7. Noogies

6. Told him Eddie Haskell was on the way over to beat his brains out if he didn’t give me a dollar.

5. Forced him to clap loudly during the Sunday sermon so Tinkerbell wouldn’t die.

4. Zipped him up safe & sound each night in a Mooney Andrews suit bag in case he wet the bed.

3. Put my cigarettes out on his forearm, but made a beautiful palm tree design in the process.

2. Took him to school for “show and tell” as the original TAR BABY

1. Convinced him Mom would disinherit him if he didn’t name his son after her evangelist boyfriend.

Raison d’etre

The sole purpose of this Blog is to elevate, even glorify, the creative talents of Mr. Peter S. Mooney, aka The Smoking Christian, by rescuing deleted content from his Blog which he so injudiciously removes. We despair at the thought of all the brilliant work that has been lost for all time because of his impetuousness. But we press on, not looking behind but ahead to the completion of our newfound work, the Peter S. Mooney Museum of Rescued Literature.

Since in this endeavor we are of necessity working at cross-purposes with Peter, we anticipate a certain level of acrimony or as we like to call it, “acrimooney.” We accept this as an unfortunate byproduct of our pledge to protect and preserve the rarest of talents and the brightest of lights. Be that as it may, we feel it important to clarify our methodology in light of certain copyright laws.

What we intend is to “collect” these deleted posts using a highly sophisticated and imaginative process and repost them, in part, on Peter’s Ashtray for all to enjoy. Since we do not enjoy the collaboration of the author or his permission we must repair to the “Fair Use” doctrine of the US Copyright Act. This means that all posts will be short excerpts with appropriate commentary or parody or simple reporting for newsworthiness or educational purposes. This is a slow and painstaking process and we covet the kind forbearance of all PSM fans.

From the Ashheap

Stay tuned for the resurrection of all discarded musings from the Smoking Christian...he may want to end his life, but his writings will live on here at the Ashtray forever.