The Palm Springs of Washington

During this most painful sabbatical by the Smoking Christian I will take this time to clear up some misconceptions about our beloved city Yakima, WA. Anything but obscure, this bustling metropolis situated in south central Washington State between the Yakama Indian Reservation and the shuttered Boise Cascade sawmill, boasts many wonderful features and persons of renown.

Phil and Steve Mahre, the famous World Cup and Olympic ski champions once lived near Yakima and now live kind of close. Native son and Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas moved away to live and die in Goose Prairie. Famed pitching coach of the New York Yankees Mel Stottlemyre hasn’t been back to Yakima in years and Willie Nelson’s mother, a long-time Yakima resident, who died recently did not have a visit from her famous son even for her funeral.

All in all though its a pleasant place to live. Demographically we are very diverse. We used to have three ethnic groups but now we are down to two. Without going into the messy details let’s just say that Martin Luther King Jr. Avenue has recently been renamed Caesar Chavez Boulevard. (Our Native American neighbors are not counted in these totals because they are a separate sovereign nation with national heroes of their own.)

We are fortunate to live in an upper income ($35,000+ per year) enclave above the valley floor called Viewmont Palisades. This upscale neighborhood of attractive McMansions is scheduled to have paved streets as soon as the city extends the sewer lines.

Culturally speaking, we are very proud of our own Central Washington State Fair. It used to be the State Fair but other regions wanted a piece of the lucrative 4-H livestock auction. Now the Cinco de Mayo celebrations and the rodeo in another town 30 miles away are the highlights of our calendar.

We are very diverse agriculturally. We did have the very first case of Mad Cow disease in the US but we are proud of the fact that our apples are now completely Alar-free.

Even though our murder rate per capita ranks just above South Central Los Angeles we have the finest police department anywhere and this helps push the methamphetamine trade to the more rural areas of the county. This works out well for the manufactured home dealers who sell special models with kitchens equipped for the do-it-yourself chemist.

Shopping opportunities are equally impressive. We used to have our very own Nordstrom but the management has been super nice and has promised to send their many loyal Yakima customers by three hour bus ride to their stores in Seattle at a reasonable fare. We are soon to get our second Wal-Mart Superstore in a zoned residential area. This will be a very convenient walk from anywhere and we’ll be able to see the bright lights and busy activity in their parking lot 24 hours a day from our house in Viewmont Palisades.

Recreational activities abound. Even though all our city pools are closed, we have the scenic Yakima River, which runs slow enough and shallow enough for swimmers at least two months of the year. It is such fun to watch the cute little brown children dive off the Burlington Northern Railroad bridge as their dutiful and attentive parents do their laundry below.

As you can see, we are rich in heritage, culture and opportunity here in Yakima, or as we affectionately call it, “The Palm Springs of Washington.” It’s no wonder that so many Southern Californians are selling their homes and moving north for the simpler, more wholesome lifestyle.