Vanity. All Is Vanity.

Hair Tonic Pitchman: “Do they see you?”
[Good-looking guy seated at restaurant table gets noticed by hot babes strolling by.]
HTP: “Or do they see gray”
[Same good-looking gray-haired guy sits alone.]

HTP: “Do they see you?”
[Good-looking young executive gets knowing smiles from hot-looking secretaries.]
HTP: “Or do they see gray?”
[Handsome gray-haired exec. disappears into the rich mahogany paneling.]

---

I used to color my hair. This may come as a shock to those of you who know, or have heard, of my humility.

Yes I admit that for many years I sought youth in a bottle. I have always had a thick brown head of hair. So when, in my late 30s, my beaux cheveux started to show some serious gray I got serious about turning back the hands of time. Fifty bucks a month serious. I justified this expense by telling myself, “I don’t want to look mousy.”

All this came to a screeching stop when an inexperienced, but very cute, hair stylist turned me into a raccoon. I was already tiring of the questions and the expense so I determined that either the very cute hair stylist or the bottle of color would have to go. I went cold turkey.

Much to my shock I didn’t go back to mousy—I went straight to fright-white. Those who hadn’t seen me in a while wondered if I had gone over Niagara in a barrel. I endured it all with grace.

Every now and then I get nostalgic for that little bottle of esteem. Like every time I get introduced to someone who says, “You look just like your dad!” One such memorable occasion, my father introduced me to one of my mother’s caregivers. She said, “Oh! Are you brothers?” There was much gaiety.

So as I was getting ready for work one morning last week, I was listening to this Easy-One-Step-Hair-Color-For-Men-You-Can-Do-It-Yes-You-Can advertisement and asking myself the following questions in rapid succession:
Why do I have to look so old?
Why don’t I start coloring it again?
What does Mrs. Yak really think about my gray hair?
Will she laugh at me if I suggest going back on the bottle?
Why can’t I have beautiful flowing gray hair like Pastor Dave?

---

The pitchman caught my attention again.
“Do they see you?”
[Very tanned and fit, hard body is surrounded by hot bikinis at the hotel pool.]
And then the pitchman said this, “Stay in the game!”

Game? What game?!
I started laughing and walked out of the room.
I had just embarrassed myself—with myself.

Vote For Hillary!

Some of you may be shocked at my new mantra, "Vote for Hillary!" Have I lost my mind? Have I gone over to the dark side? Not at all! I am simply exercising enlightened self-interest in the finest tradition of Alex P. Keaton.

You see I work for a large, private non-profit corporation, which administers federal and state funds to low-income children and families. My former hero, George W. Bush, is too busy fighting a protracted war overseas to remember that I need a raise once in a while to sustain the lifestyle of my choosing.

It's a very simple equation, Hillary wants to end this expensive war and spend more money on domestic programs. Can you spell "C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N?" Does the phase, “It takes a village,” ring any bells?

Anyway, all my adult life I have been schooled in the rough and tumble of the private, for-profit world of business. I learned early that the driving force in this world is each person or individual economic unit, if you prefer, acting in his or her own best interest. In the present situation I am merely and proudly applying these same principles to my own circumstances as it pertains to the national scene.

To wit: It is in my best interest that you and all your friends vote for Hillary for President. If you do and if she wins, I get a raise. Simple, logical and straightforward. The consistent application of firmly held principles learned over a lifetime yields effective results.

Besides everyone knows that Hillary is a shoo-in anyway and this is an opportunity to be on the winning side from the start. And remember a Hillary presidency is like getting two for the price of one. Who can resist another four years of Letterman jokes about interns, cigars and blue dresses? What fun! So join the winning team. Do it for the children, for yourselves and above all do it for me.

By the way, pay no attention to that interloper Barak Obama or his outrageous rip-off of the 80’s Apple computer ad embedded below.

Can we be honest here?

The Global Warming crisis is nothing more than the latest in a long line of false religions. (Write it down, you heard it here first—or second.)

In fact, everything you need to know about the climate change clamor is found in two sayings. The first is found in the Bible and goes like this: “What is man that you are mindful of him?” And the second is from the ancient Greek philosopher Protagoras who said, “Man is the measure of all things”.

The biblical quote is interpreted to mean that the importance of man pales into insignificance when compared to God whereas the Greek saying means that the individual human being, rather than God or an unchanging moral law, is the ultimate source of value.

Which of these sayings you accept as being truer than the other will determine which side of the climate change debate you fall on—more or less.

Put another way, do you believe that man is responsible for global warming and has the solutions for averting the catastrophe or do you believe that global temperature changes are natural cyclic phenomena due largely to the activity of the sun? (It’s the clouds, stupid!)

The claims made about the coming apocalypse have reached epic proportions of the fantastic and the bizarre. It applies to anything and has become the updated equivalent of, “The dog ate my homework!” Just today I read that the annual census of birdwatchers has turned up Whooping Cranes as far north as Nova Scotia. GW is to blame. Is this a bad thing? And does it positively mean that we are reaching the “tipping point” of irreversible climate change? The true believers of Global Warming are certain about the meaning of such anecdotes. Someone named Russell Wardlow has made this observation:

“Most impressive about the whole thing is the certainty with which the predictions of imminent catastrophe are made, coupled hilariously with apparently sincere assertions that all we need to do is start acting more like consciousness-raised hippies to solve this massive global problem which apparently will otherwise end our civilization and kill us all. It's a little like saying that the Earth is going to spin into the sun, but if we all just lean to one side really hard, we can change our orbit and make everything better again. Though that's really not the best analogy, as it doesn't involve enough confiscation of other people's money.”

Speaking of money, can anyone seriously deny that this looming environmental Armageddon has been a cash cow for earth advocacy groups and scientists feeding at the public trough? I almost hope (watch for the rhetorical statement here) that global warming is true because if it’s a fraud it will be the end of science, as we know it. If this happens we will all see the lowly used car salesman become a paragon of virtue and respectability compared to the climate scientist.

Speaking of respectability can anyone doubt that Global Warming has been a godsend to politicians desperate for the public’s affection? The solutions to this global emergency will take boatloads of cash and I’m thinking pols like Chuck Schumer and Henry Waxman can deliver.

Then there are the lemmings. I steadfastly refuse to join them in their headlong rush to the sea. (I have yet to hear that this suicidal ritual is caused by GW but I am keeping an open ear.)

But getting back to my hypothesis about the new Eco-religion: There is a story told that Teddy Roosevelt was fond of playing a game with his friend and frequent houseguest, William Beebe the biologist, explorer and author. After dinner and an evening of stimulating conversation they would go outside onto the lawn of the great house at Sagamore Hill and search the sky until they found a faint spot of light beyond the lower left corner of the constellation Pegasus. One of them would then recite: “That is the Spiral Galaxy in Andromeda. It is as large as the Milky Way. It is one of a hundred million galaxies. It consists of one hundred billion suns, each larger than our sun.” Then Roosevelt would grin at Beebe and say, “Now we are small enough! Let’s go to bed.”

Indeed.

An Incontinent Truth

In case you missed it the Associated Press is reporting on an interfaith group of people walking for nine days, from Northampton, MA to Boston, to raise awareness of global warming. The fact that the marchers are slogging through bitter wind and snowdrifts from one of the worst storms of the season is an added bonus, delicious even, for the AP.

No matter. The Eco-faithful, it was reported, kept their spirits high by singing, “Keep on walking forward, never turning back,” a hymn they had chanted in prayer services prior to the march.

The marchers are part of Religious Witness for the Earth, a national interfaith environmental organization. Supporters include clergy from the Catholic, Unitarian, Jewish, Episcopalian and Muslim faiths.

Many members of Religious Witness for the Earth have used their position from the pulpit to make their congregations aware of climate change.

"The interfaith aspect of what we're doing heightens awareness among everyone," said Rabbi Justin David of Congregation B'Nai Israel in Northampton. "Climate change is a moral issue and it's a collective issue. It transcends the differences of faith and politics and generations. This is something everyone needs to pay attention to."

"God has given us this Eden, and our behavior is making a mess of it," said the Rev. Jim Antal, president of the Massachusetts Conference of the United Church of Christ, the state's largest Protestant denomination.

The leaders are calling for individuals, businesses and government entities to reduce fossil fuel emissions by 80 percent by 2050.

Not all the walkers are expected to make the entire journey. But synagogues and churches on the route will keep their thermostats turned up to provide food and shelter for the multi-day hikers.

I, for one, am thankful that these good people are a witness to something important and the fact that they are doing this ministry of earth-healing in the spirit of ecumenism is truly inspiring!

To get all the latest updates from the Interfaith Walk for Climate Rescue, click here. If you want to make a difference in your town or start a local chapter of Religious Witness for the Earth, click here. If you want a reality check, click here.